What could my personal Internet sex ad read? I've seen my own name mentioned in other people's "dating" profiles - something like, "Come over and we'll watch a John Waters movie." I wonder how they'd respond if I answered, "I am John Waters and I've got all his films. I'm on my way!" Should I place a classified in Boxoffice, that great trade magazine for middle-American theater owners I've been subscribing to for decades? Maybe buried beneath all the ads for popcorn-machine parts and chewing-gum removal chemicals, my notice could read, "The Sultan of Sleaze seeks lunatic usher with good bod and a crooked smile. Let's rob a multiplex together and hole up at my place afterward. Send photos c/o Atomic Books, 3620 Falls Road, Baltimore, MD 21211." Go ahead, try answering my ad. I'll get your response. For real.

John Waters, Role Models (230)